Planning a Service

Among the many issues at hand when a loved one dies, there are two important ones to decide: planning for the timely disposition of the body and commemorating the life that was lived. When you can separate those two activities, you have a great many more options, both in kind and in cost.

A "funeral" service is with the body present and is usually planned within a few days of death. Our staff will coordinate ministers, musicians, cemetery arrangements, newspaper notices, florist, and pall-bearers, as well as a video tribute. 90 years old? Bring us 90 years of pictures and we can create a video treasure to share and remember long after the funeral.

A "memorial" service (without the body) can be delayed as long as you want, to meet the convenience or needs of the family. Perhaps it makes sense to have the service at the summer home of the deceased when all were planning to gather anyway. Scheduling the event in two or three weeks lets out-of-town guests take advantage of the 14-day advance booking discount on airline tickets. By not feeling pressured to have a service right away, there is time for thoughtful planning. A memorial mass is now accepted by the Catholic church. They encourage placing the cremated remains in a worthy vessel, and that they be buried not scattered. Closure (the service) should be within a few weeks after the death occurs.

The Service

If there are no religious dictates, you may want to pick a theme of remembrance exemplifying the deceased. Ernest Morgan's book, "Dealing Creatively with Death," has some excellent examples and suggestions. Did the deceased leave writings, maybe instructional or inspirational letters, a relative has saved? You could ask friends and relatives to write up a favorite memory. (Having those vignettes in writing will mean a lot to a surviving spouse or off-spring after the service.) Some families may decide to print a formal program for the service, listing music to be played and the readings to be given, but it is not necessary.

Music

Beginning the service with music and ending the service with music creates natural "bookends" for the event. The universal language of music can be calming, healing, or unifying as people gather. In this age of personalization, anything goes—jazz, a Bach organ concerto, a New Age harp.

Photographs and Memory Books

Debbie found that the pictures displayed at her sister-in-law's memorial really broke the ice for tearful family and friends as they reminisced over the hilarious old fashions. You might want to ask friends and relatives to contribute photos, clippings, awards, or other special mementos that can be assembled in a memory book for the surviving spouse or family.

Refreshments

Sharing food during a bereavement gathering remains a popular practice. The ladies of the church put on a huge pot-luck supper in the town hall after one resident's memorial service. But it might be as simple as iced tea and cookies supplied by the family at an "Open House" at home or as fancy as a reception at the local inn. The Elk’s Lodge next door offers reception services.

A Memorial Notice

With a mobile and dispersed society, friends and relatives are likely to be scattered far and wide. They may never see the obituary in a local paper and may not be able to attend the memorial or funeral service. Using her mother's Christmas card list, one lady sent out a notice of her mother's death. Written as a tribute to her mother, she listed some of her mother's remarkable traits and accomplishments. It ended with suggestions for memorial donations, to causes that her mother supported.